


expectationem

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Backstory, First Kiss, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 13:31:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12060003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: As Ben wilts under the weight of his family's legacy, Poe tries to make him see things his way.





	expectationem

**Author's Note:**

> For knightpilot week, Day 2: 'family' and 'legacy'; I used both prompts as inspiration.

Poe found Ben out in front of the ranch, lying beneath the Force tree and looking up through the leaves. He lay down beside him, cupping his hands behind his head.

“If you keep sulking I’m going to think you actually aren’t happy to see me.”

Ben ignored him, a faint huffing sigh escaping past his lips.

“We haven’t been so much as in the same star system in months. You’re making me feel like you’ve outgrown me in more than just height.”

“You’re still taller than me, Poe,” Ben said, mouth twisting in a scowl.

“Give it a month.”

Ben had shot up ridiculously since Poe had last seen him. Not that it was much of a surprise; Ben had always had the look of a kid who was just waiting to grow into himself, like a puppy. It was no shock that he favored his father in build over his mother, and it seemed likely he would outpace even Han.

On the other hand, Poe had made peace with the idea that he was always going to be small. It helped him fit better in cockpits, so it wasn’t much of a loss. Besides, he kind of liked the idea that Ben was going to loom over him, though he didn’t think that was something he could articulate out loud, and particularly not to Ben.

“Seriously,” Poe said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Ben.”

“Poe,” Ben huffed, angling his face away.

Poe brought one arm down so he could elbow Ben in the side. “Come on. It’s me, Ben. You can’t fool me.” He gnawed on his lip, feeling a sudden pang of anxiety. “Did I do something?”

“No!”

“Then tell me what’s wrong!”

“You’re so kriffing annoying!” Ben’s chest was heaving with his breath and Poe realized that maybe if he wanted Ben to confide in him he probably shouldn’t shout.

So he quieted for a moment and then said, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But you’re still my best friend, and you can tell me anything you want to.”

Ben didn’t say anything so Poe didn’t either. It was creepy to stare so Poe turned his face back up to the sky, watching the sun through the leaves. It would set soon and Poe liked the shifting colors. The sunset on Hosnian Prime was nothing like the one here on Yavin 4.

“Everyone wants me to be someone I’m not,” Ben said, his voice soft.

Poe blinked and shifted his gaze back to Ben’s face. Ben still wouldn’t look at him but Poe could see the tension in his jaw and the too-deliberate way he was staring at a tree stump, like he needed something neutral and safe to focus on. “What?”

“Everyone. They expect…” Ben released a breath. “It kriffing sucks being Ben Solo.”

“I thought…” Poe hesitated. “I thought the training was going well.”

“It’s fine, I guess. But fine isn’t good enough when your entire family is a bunch of famous war heroes.”

“Ben,” Poe said, leaning up an elbow and touching Ben’s shoulder. “Is someone telling you--”

“I’m never going to be who they want me to be!” Ben exclaimed, scooting into a seated position, his eyes wild. “It’s kriffing impossible! No one can live up to it!”

Poe put his hand on Ben’s knee, looking into his eyes in an effort to make Ben focus on him. “Who is pressuring you?”

“Everyone!”

He was being dramatic, as he always tended to be, Poe knew, but he was also upset and no matter how dramatic he was being there was something true behind it. “Please tell me.”

“You won’t understand.”

A little pinprick shiver of hurt went through Poe’s chest. “That’s not fair.”

Ben looked sorry, eyelashes lowering, but he didn’t apologize. “You don’t have to constantly hear about what heroes your parents are, how brave, how much the galaxy owes them. Or about how your uncle is single-handedly saving the Jedi Order after he destroyed the Sith.”

“No, I never hear about my parents at all in the New Resistance Naval Academy,” Poe deadpanned.

Ben flushed. “That’s different.”

“Is it? Because my parents weren’t as famous as yours? Didn’t get put on the holonews as much? So they don’t count?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I hear stories about my mother all the time,” Poe said. “What an amazing pilot she was, and what a great person. How much she did in the war. My dad, too. But it makes me proud because they’re my parents, and that’s where I came from.”

“It’s _different,_ Poe,” Ben insisted. “Your mother is--” He bit his lip.

“Dead? It’s okay, you can say it. And maybe you’re right, stories are all I have, the only way to be close to her. But I don’t feel any differently when they talk about my dad, I… I’m proud of them, and it gives me something to strive for. To be as good as they were, and to be someone they would be proud of, too.”

“But you always wanted to be a pilot. You want to be in the Navy. It’s different,” Ben said again, like he needed Poe to get that.

Only Poe didn’t think it was as different as Ben kept insisting. “And you don’t want to be a Jedi? Because if that’s true, it’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

“Maybe I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Poe’s surprise must have shown on his face because Ben glanced away from him, looking lost and sad and maybe a little ashamed. Like he thought Poe would be disappointed in him.

“I thought,” Poe said carefully, “that you were doing well. Every time we talked you showed me what you were learning, and--”

“Because you were doing so well!” Ben exclaimed. “In your fancy academy, with all your friends, and your ships and your… How could I tell you that… that I…”

Poe pressed his hand to Ben’s cheek, turning his face so their eyes met more firmly. He stroked his thumb over Ben’s skin and thought this had to be wildly inappropriate but he couldn’t seem to make himself stop. “Because you’re my best friend, Ben. You used to believe that. Nothing’s changed, no matter where I am. If you’re unhappy it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, please tell me, so I can help you. I want to help you.”

“I’m scared,” Ben whispered, and Poe could hear in his voice and see in his eyes how difficult it was for him to say. “That I’ll never be as good as Uncle Luke, or that… maybe I’m wrong, maybe there’s just… just something _in_ me, something I can’t control and…”

Though Poe wanted to ask Ben if he had mentioned any of this to Luke, he knew that would be the wrong thing to say. He didn’t know what he should say, honestly, but his chest was aching with how much he wanted to make this better, to banish the distress from Ben’s face.

Ben had always had nightmares. He didn’t talk about them, but Poe knew.

He wondered if they were getting worse.

“How can I help you?” Poe said, still rubbing his thumb over Ben’s cheek. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t think you can help me,” Ben said, setting his hand briefly over Poe’s before he pushed it away. “I can’t be what they want me to be. Not my family, and not everyone else in the kriffing galaxy who thinks they know me. I’m not like you. You make it look so easy.”

“Make what look easy?”

“Succeeding,” Ben said, his eyes on the sky. “And getting people to like you.”

“Don’t do that,” Poe sighed. So kriffing dramatic. “Don’t compare yourself to me. Don’t compare yourself to _anyone._ You’re only supposed to be you, and that’s good enough.”

“But it isn’t! That’s the point! My mother is a kriffing princess! A senator! A war hero! My father was a general!”

“Forget them,” Poe said, inserting himself back into Ben’s line of sight. “You are under no obligation to be any of those things, and no one who matters wants you to be anyone but yourself. So what if you’re not sure what you want anymore? You deserve the chance to decide, the time to think about it. Your family loves you, Ben. All of them,” Poe insisted, when it seemed like Ben might argue. “And no matter what you think, they want you to be happy.”

“You just expect everything to turn out fine if you hope hard enough,” Ben muttered.

“Nothing wrong with a bit of optimism. Especially if I’m gonna hang out with you.”

Ben rolled his eyes.

“It will be okay,” Poe promised. “If you stop trying to be some fake ideal of the person you think everyone wants you to be. Just be you. That’s the person I--”

Poe stopped and bit his lip. Damn it.

Of course, now was when Ben wouldn’t stop looking at him. “The person you what?”

Poe wanted to laugh it off. He wanted to make a joke. He wasn’t half in love – or all the way in love – with his best friend, of course not, that was ridiculous. Haha, so funny, the very idea. Poe was good at joking his way out of everything; he could joke his way through this, too.

But somehow he looked into Ben’s dark eyes and couldn’t make himself.

Poe slid his fingers up into Ben’s hair, curving around the back of his head. Ben was staring wide-eyed at him.

He could still stop; he could still pretend it was a joke. Wasn’t like he’d never been handsy with Ben before; it had never meant anything then. He could pretend this didn’t mean anything, too.

Except that wouldn’t be fair, and Poe was tired of pretending.

Poe stopped thinking; it wasn’t like he had ever been good at it anyway. He was better at the spur of the moment thing; he was better at reacting and quick decisions.

Ben’s lips were dry and chapped and he was frozen in place, body stiffening against Poe’s like he was considering bolting. He didn’t bolt, though; he stayed there and let Poe kiss him, his lips barely parted in surprise.

“The person I wanted to do that to,” Poe said, drawing back only the slightest distance, so he could see Ben’s eyes squeezed closed, the faint dampness of his mouth where Poe had kissed him.

“I… I…” Ben swallowed. “Damn.”

“Is that a good damn or a bad damn?”

“Dunno, maybe you should do that again so I can figure it out.”

Poe grinned and pressed forward again. This time he felt an answering pressure as Ben kissed him back, his fingers tentatively settling on Poe’s shoulders.

“You’re missing the sunset,” Ben murmured.

“I don’t care. Got you instead.”

“Kriff,” Ben said, and Poe kept kissing him until Ben’s lips curved upwards, his cheeks as pink as the light from the setting sun.

**_End_ **


End file.
